Continue
by Mirus Infidus
Summary: We all have to leave eventually, and someone is always left behind. One-shot. AkiHika.


Hello, Hikaru. I may or may not give this to you; I might just keep it folded up in the back of my desk, taking it out every once in a while to read and smile. Either way, I'm addressing you. I haven't written much in my life, so having an audience in mind is helpful.

Today is the fifth of May. There were tears on your pillow when you woke up today, some still wet on your face. I ask you about it, but you dismissed my concern, so I let it go. You were in a daze all morning, and then at around noon, you suddenly turned to me and said, "Let's go to the zoo." You said you wanted to see the panda again. You loved that panda. It was a bit small, but other than that there didn't seem to be anything that made it any different from the other pandas. Still, that panda was the only animal you wanted to look at when we went to the zoo.

I had no reason to protest, so we went. You immediately found the panda. Leaning against the fence, you chattered on to the animal down in its enclosure. The panda sat there, staring up at you. Occasionally it would chew on some leaves, but for the most part it just sat and listened. You talked about all kinds of things—things that are really irrelevant to pandas, such as: "I won my game yesterday. It was a younger guy—I wonder when he passed the pro exam, to be able to play against me now? Oh, sorry, I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging. I knew you'd be proud to hear that I'd won, though. Hey, guess who I saw yesterday. Mitani-kun, from the Go club back in middle school! He's a security guard at a casino now. Can you believe it? It's his job to catch the cheaters this time. I guess it makes sense; he knows all their techniques, after all. Actually, I wonder if he did know ways to cheat in games other than Go. Probably. He was pretty clever when it came to that stuff, after all." And on and on you went. The panda sat there, yawning every now and then, giving you its full attention.

I don't really have much of an interest in the zoo, so I sat on a bench with a copy of _Weekly Go_, though I was too amused with watching you to read it. You chattered on for a long time, and eventually I got up to buy a soda and asked if you wanted one too. You said no, but asked for some shaved ice if I could find it. I said I'd look, and left you and the panda to continue your conversation.

I came back about twenty minutes later. I'd bought an iced tea instead of a soda for myself and some strawberry shaved ice for you—they were sold at the same booth—and found you sitting dejectedly on the bench.

"What is it?" I asked, trying to hand you the shaved ice. You shook your hands to reject the treat, and I set it down on the bench, taking a seat next to you. "Is something wrong?"

You didn't say anything at first and just looked at me. Your eyes were welling with tears, and you there was such a look of sadness about you that my worry shot into space.

"Hikaru? What's wrong? What happened?" I asked, setting my hand on your shoulder. You pointed to the panda exhibit. "Did something happen to the panda?" You nodded. "What?"

Swallowing, you said quietly, "It died."

I nodded slowly. I wasn't sure what to say. "I'm sorry," was what I finally came up with.

"It's okay, it just... it's just…" You twiddled your fingers a little. "It happened so suddenly. It was fine one minute, and the next it was laying on its side and the veterinarians were treating it. The zookeeper told me it was too late, and said she was very sorry, and that Sai was gone."

"Sai?" I repeated.

You ignored me. "God, Akira." You buried your face in your hands. Can we just go home?"

"Okay." I gathered our food and set it on top of the trash can, carrying the magazine under my arm. We walked quietly to the car and drove home in silence. On the drive home you had your eyes closed, and I wanted to try to comfort you, but I wasn't sure how, so I instead tried to focus on driving.

Once inside the house, you sat down on the couch and held your head in your hands. You were shaking your head, and I sat down beside you. "Oh, God, Akira," you said as I sat down. You turned to me and grabbed my hands. "It happened again. It happened again."

"What happened?" If our positions were switched, you probably would have patted my shoulder and let me calm down on my own, but I had to be nosy.

"He disappeared!" you cried. "He disappeared again!"

"Who?" I murmured.

"Sai!" you wailed. "Sai disappeared again. He's gone again. Oh, God, I didn't think he could leave me twice. I mean, I…" You let out a sob. "I don't know what I did this time. Why'd he disappear again, Akira? Why a second time? Did I fail him? Did I do something wrong? He didn't even say anything this time."

"Hikaru, are you talking about the panda?" I asked quietly. "It's not your fault. The panda was probably sick, and so—"

You cut me off: "He wasn't sick. And he wasn't just any panda. That panda was Sai, Akira. That panda was Sai!" I thought at first that you were making some sort of allusion to the player who became a sensation on online Go, but then reasoned that a panda can't play Go, and decided it was probably just a nickname you'd given to the panda.

I tried to be supportive. "Of course. Sai. I know you really liked that panda, but nothing lasts forever, least of all life. It'll be okay; at least you yourself are still here."

"But I thought—I thought that he'd come back for good this time. I thought he was going to be here until I died!"

I was quiet for a minute. Patting your hand, I finally said, "I wouldn't want that." You turned to me, and I elaborated, "Pandas live for only about thirty years. I want you to be around longer than that."

You nodded slowly, and then let out a sigh. Leaning your head against my shoulder, you whispered, "Have I told you who Sai is?"

"No," I answered. "Do you want to?" I'm sorry, perhaps it was cold or selfish of me in the face of your pain, but I felt a bit of excitement flutter in my chest at the possibility of uncovering the mystery of Sai.

You nodded, taking a deep breath. "He taught me to play Go. He was ghost, and he was the best Go player in the world, and he was my best friend, and then one day he just disappeared. He just disappeared. And then I went to the zoo and I saw that panda looking at me, and I knew, I just _knew_ that it was him. That panda wasn't just some panda I'd named Sai, that panda _was_ Sai. And he's left all of a sudden again. God, why'd he leave again, Akira? Why did he leave?"

I wasn't sure what to make of your story, and I'm still not, but that was no time to be skeptical, so I stroked your hair and said, "Everybody has to leave eventually."

"Not everybody, I can't lose everybody. Don't you leave me too," you begged. "I can't lose you too."

"I don't want to leave you, but I might" I murmured into your hair, "and you may leave me, too, one day."

You swallowed. "Oh, God, I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be separated from another person I love."

I wrapped an arm around your shoulder and pulled you close. "One day, one of us is going to die," I said softly.

You shut your eyes tightly, clutching my hand tighter. "I want to die first. I don't want to live without you."

"I don't either. But if you die first, I'll die soon after."

"If you kill yourself, I'll never speak to you again," you threatened.

I chuckled mirthlessly. "I didn't think you would. But I won't need to kill myself. I'll just stop living. I won't have any reason to live anymore. You took over my life when we were just kids; with you gone, there'll be no reason for me to keep living. Don't you know that?"

You were quiet. I sat there, stroking your hair and holding your hand. You seemed to be growing calmer. Finally you said, "Don't you know it's the same for me?"

We were quiet again, letting the air around us play with our words, their meanings dancing through my head.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said.

"What?"

"I guess I do know."

"I mean it," you murmured.

"I know. I wish you didn't, though."

"Why?"

"Doesn't that mean that in the end, one of us will end up killing the other?"

You thought about that for a moment. "It's not really killing," you said, "it's more like following. If you die, I'll follow you."

"Yeah." I smiled. "I'll follow you, too. At least, you know what that means?"

"Hm?"

"No one gets left behind."

"Yeah," you said and smiled. Your eyes drifted open, and you looked up me. "Hey, Akira?"

"Yes?"

"I think you're right." I raised an eyebrow. "It's going to be okay." Then you tilted your chin up and we kissed.

After that, nothing much happened. You ended up falling asleep against me, and my arm went numb because it was pinned behind your head. After a while, I fell asleep too. You're still asleep now. I got up slowly, careful not to disturb you, and when I placed your head down on the couch cushion, I noticed there were tears on your face again.

Today wasn't a happy day, but it will make me smile. Sai died today, and one day you will too. But after today, I'm not so afraid of your leaving me here anymore. I know you're right: it's going to be okay, because I'll always follow you, and you'll follow me, just like when we were kids. I love you.

**Author's Note: Where I live it's still the fifth of May, and this was written in honor of this day...and yet it has barely any Sai in it. What kind of a fifth of May story is this?  
This story was actually supposed to be funny and lighthearted. And invovle much more Sai. Panda!Sai, anyway. Where did the lightheartedness and humor go? How did _I _even write this? _This_? Anyway, I hope you liked it ^^  
Here's a fun fact: Pandas actually kinda scare me. I mean, they're _huge_ and they have _sharp teeth_ and _big claws_ and _pseudothumbs_. And they're omnivores.  
Hm, do any other bears have pseudothumbs? Now I'm going to be afraid to go camping. Forget mountain lions, bears are bigger.**


End file.
